Talking to a Loved One About Addiction

Talking to a Loved One About Addiction

It’s not easy to confront someone regarding their addiction. Here are some pointers to help them feel safe in the conversation…

1. Keep your best motives in mind. When we feel upset, we become angry or fearful, and as a result, our motives change. Without realizing it, we focus on punishing, being right, or keeping the peace rather than healthy problem-solving. Before talking to your loved one about drugs, pause for a moment and ask the focusing question: What do I want? This pause can help you get your motives in check and move from simply “keeping the peace” through silence to being a powerful influence on the person you’re trying to reach.
2. Confront facts, not judgments. When you present the facts, you obligate the person to respond to the information. When you use judgments or accusatory language, it appears you intend to humiliate or punish, and they feel no obligation to engage in the conversation. For instance, if you’re talking to a teenager, replace, “You’re a liar, and I won’t stand for this,” with “I’ve noticed the spray cans of air freshener I bought for the bathrooms are already empty. I bought them a week ago, and your dad and I haven’t used much of it. As far as I know, you are the only other person who has been at home.”
3. Make it safe. Your loved one may become less defensive during your crucial conversations because of what you’re saying than because of why they think you’re saying it. 
   1. State what you don’t intend and what you do intend: “I want to reassure you that I have no desire to make your decisions for you or to cut you off from having a happy life. I want to support you and influence your choices that I believe will hurt you.”
   2. Be flexible about when you talk, but not about whether you talk. Control is a huge issue. Sometimes, you can provoke an unnecessary confrontation by demanding that conversations be on your terms and timeframe. It’s best to engage in dialogue by respecting the other person’s preferences about when to talk. “I’d like to talk openly about your concerns and mine. I’m interested in hearing your views, even if we disagree. Is now a good time to do that, or would it be better later? And if later, when would be good for you?” If they don’t want to talk now, show respect by being flexible—within reason. If your loved one doesn’t want to talk, help him or her understand why talking is required. “I understand that you don’t want to talk right now. I also know you intend to go to a party tonight where I believe there might be bad influences. I must decide how to deal with the party tonight if we can’t talk before then. If we can talk before then, it will allow me to hear your point of view. What would you prefer we do?”
   3. Create a “safety reserve” by creating safety even when there are no problems. Communicating respect, praising small positive signs, “catching” them when they’re being good, and showing an interest in the person’s life will help him or her feel much safer talking to you when problems emerge.
4. Discuss, agree on, and stick with boundaries. If you talk about rules and expectations before he or she is tempted to make bad choices, it is much easier to enforce them later. Then, when boundaries are violated, hold your loved one accountable consistently. If it’s a boundary, it should always be a boundary.
5. Evaluate the dialogue. You’re aiming for a two-way, face-to-face conversation that gives your loved one room to disagree with you and communicate a different point of view. After the conversation, ask yourself who did most of the talking. If your loved one didn’t do at least 25% of it, you didn’t ask enough questions—or didn’t create enough safety to allow them to participate fully.